Everything tears at my soul
feeling like the fork is becoming a bowl
everything swirling, so chaotic
shit get heavier, brick by brick
I’m reminded of the good things:
sports, family, friends and all the joy it brings
fake smiles turn legitimate
loathing turns into doing flips
to remove dirt, you need soap;
to remove loathing, you need hope
A fork in the road and only one path to take
A mind and a body can never be replaced
I’ve seen the darkness and the light is dwindling
If I die, nobody would miss me
We all look for happiness
sometimes in the wrong places
A fork in the road and only one path to take
A mind and a body can never be replaced
I’ve seen the darkness and the light is getting shiny
As I continue to live, all my friends continue to support me
We all look for happiness
sometimes in the wrong places
I take the path towards life and happiness
Everyday no matter how minute, is a victory
sucking in the light and friendship is full of bliss
All my struggles and pain goes away as my family & friends support me
In my transparency with my Major Depressive Disorder, otherwise known as Clinical Depression, I want to key on something that I fell in love with during my latest recovery.
I was sitting in a VA (Veteran’s Administration) program called PRRTP (I have to apologize; I forget what the acronym stands for) to help treat and learn ways to cope with my depression, and after the first weekend I started to get to know some of the fellow residents.
One fellow I met on that first weekend, we played quite a bit of pool and we saw a chess board and he was like, “hey Joe, how about some chess?”. I obliged and for the next three months we played at least two to three games against each other a day.
I’ve played other residents as well; the bulk of the people there I beat relatively easily with me losing to some relatively easily. Then I was like, you know what, I’m going to give this online chess thing a whirl.
And to be honest, the first weekend, I got my ass handed to me. Went from 1200 in Blitz, Rapid, and Bullet to like 600 in each of them. I gave up playing against people there and stuck to playing the computer for months. I used the weakest computer rating as a means to try out new things, until I was perfect against the computer (at that level) and then went to play against the computer at the toughest level and iron things out more.
Then in December I started watching Chess TV on chess.com and then ventured into watching live streams on Twitch as well as game analysis’s on YouTube. I started chatting with various “titled players” and many analyzed my games and providing tips.
The greatest thing about chess and my dealing with mental illness is that it helps keep my cognitive and analytical skills sharp. It’s a great distractor as well.
I know that I’ll likely never be a “titled player” myself, and may never be rated above FIDE 1200; however, that will never stop me from playing this fine game.
As long as it keeps my cognitive and analytical skills on point, and it keeps me from overthinking real life issues that develop into depression… playing this game is 10000 per cent worth it.
Plus I’m meeting some great people along the way.
Depression is truly a horrific experience and I empathize with anyone that battles with it. Per Fox News, suicide rates are up 25% in the United States.
I’m sure everyone knows somebody that has either died via suicide or attempted suicide. It’s sad that awareness is only raised when a celebrity dies at their own hands.
I don’t want to diminish celebrities battles either. Their battles have also had a sick way of entertaining us; see Layne Staley or Robin Williams. If it wasn’t for their battles, who knows if their music or comedy would be as fantastic as it truly was.
But at the same time, the pressure of being a celebrity may have also contributed to their battles worsening and being personal doctors; in Layne’s case, he went to heroin.
Even celebrities like Eminem have had their bouts with mental illness.
What this teaches us is that, mental illness doesn’t care what polar opposites and what economical status you are, it can tear apart your will to live.
I’ve been there, it’s brutal. Just the battle to get out of bed and doing basic hygiene on a daily basis can be a struggle. Depression eats at your soul and you do whatever it takes to be happy.
In my case, I lived vicariously on the internet, and stayed in total isolation, as a means to hide what was going on inside.
It truly takes seeking help to get one’s life back together. Sometimes that means being in a mental health rehab facility for a few months.
Mental exercise; such as, puzzles (jig saw, crosswords, soduku, word finds), chess, and practicing C.B.T. (cognitive behavioral therapy) have saved my life, and it can save others. It’s also just as important as running on a treadmill and pounding weights.
There’s many lessons that can be had when a celebrity ends their own life; and we as a society also needs to help out those in our lives that are living such battles as well.
There is help out there for those battling depression; it all starts with opening up with those around you (trust me, I know that it’s the hardest step in the battle).
We always want to debate some frivolous topic, like who’s the best running back to ever play football, or who’s the best rapper ever.
At the same time in such dubious arguments, we find the need to craft the statistics that favor the athlete or musician that we have a bias for.
In the Jordan vs Lebron argument, Jordan fans will instantly gravitate to the statistic of 6-0 in the finals (for Jordan) vs 3-5 (for Lebron).
The biggest flaw in this argument is that we’re in an era of the “super-team.” The couple of comparable teams in the Jordan era was the 85-88 Celtics, which featured four Hall of Famers (Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Bill Walton and Robert Parish).
A fair subjective analysis is that Jordan faced tougher road to get to the finals than Lebron, whilst Lebron faced tougher finals match-ups. Which likely explains why Lebron has made it to the finals 8 times (and counting) to Jordan’s 6 finals’ appearances.
Points-per-game, assists and other stats really doesn’t mean much when comparing legends, because they faced different competition. It’s truly incomparable. Lebron never faced guys like Charles Barkley and Magic Johnson, and Jordan never faced guys like James Harden and Kevin Durant.
We’re talking about different players, from different era’s, different competition, different sets of rules, and so on and so forth. Plus we’re ignoring the greatness of players like Tim Duncan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Kareem Abdul-Jabar, Wilt Chamberlain and Bill Russell, and so on.
Stop the petty ridiculous arguments, and just enjoy the greatness. Nobody can objectively say one is better than another. You just can’t; so stop it. I’m talking to you Michael Greenberg and all the pundits that are being paid to do an objective opinion whilst displaying obvious biases.
Ten to fifteen years from now people will be arguing these same arguments for/against the next big star that’s dominating the league.
Life isn’t easy; for a lack of a better word, life is a bitch. Depression can simply eat you from the inside out.
My journey took me from in the middle of my first semester of my Sr. Year of college to homelessness. There’s nobody to blame for my downward spiral but myself. This journey to rock bottom has also been an incredibly humbling experience as well.
It has taken me across country, where I got to visit some amazing sites; such as, Crater Lake, Mt. Hood, the Rocky Mountains, and deserts. It has also taken me to the psych ward, twice.
Me blaming myself for the journey isn’t exactly beating myself up (which is a symptom of depression), I’m simply taking accountability for my actions. I’ve hurt many people that I hold dearly in my heart, especially my grandmother and uncle. Although they have forgiven me, I may never forgive myself.
The journey also took me into an intensive mental health program, where I acquired the tools to help prevent depression from ever taking a firm grip of my life again; however, if it does return, it’s up to me to use the tools given to me. There’s no guarantee that apply such tools when depression punches me in the face.
My course of action will be signing up for a Peer Support Specialist certification class, sometime this week. This class will take place in August. What it will do is allow me to help others that are battling depression. The number one thing I’ve learned, for me at least, is when I’m helping others, I’m ultimately helping myself, with this battle.
It’s not an easy battle to have. The thoughts of suicide are scary thoughts. I don’t wish suicidal ideations on anybody.
Once I get established in my peer support role, I’ll finish my political science degree. I’m two semesters away. I’m far too close to the finish line to not finish it. It’s just going to take me longer than I anticipated two years ago.
I just need to get my life on track first, AND I WILL!
Just imaging 1990’s WCW and picture Stunning Steven Austin not having a viable alternative to WCW.
Now imagine 1980’s wrestling and all of the major stars, like Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Randy Savage, and Nick Bockwinkle, all in the same company with no alternative, and I didn’t even mention the up-and-coming stars like Jerry Lawler, Magnam TA, Ultimate Warrior, Sting, Lex Luger, Roddy Piper, the Von Erichs,Curt Henning (Mr. Perfect), and Ric Rude.
Many wrestlers, especially in the second list, would’ve gotten lost in the shuffle, and many others would’ve never gotten their careers to the peak that it did.
The 1980’s had WWF; NWA, and their individual territories; and the AWA as the places for wrestlers to go as alternatives to their current situation. If someone like Lex Luger would’ve failed in the AWA, he could’ve went to NWA Mid-Atlantic and thrive.
Now, let’s examine today’s state of wrestling in the United States:
It’s pretty much the WWE, and that’s it.
Sure there’s TNA and ROH, but neither garner close to the amount of money and viewership as the WWE, and is perceived as a step-down if a wrestler, from the WWE, ends up in one of those two promotions.
If Steve Austin failed in today’s WWE, he would’ve likely ended up in one of the independent indie promotions, his career would never skyrocket to superstardom, even if his gimmick had a tremendous change that changed the game in TNA or ROH, he would’ve likely been brought back to the WWE, and got lost in the shuffle.
That’s exactly what’s happening to wrestlers in today’s WWE.
A viable alternative wouldn’t guarantee Cody Rhodes, Sheamus, Cesaro, Wade Barrett, and Alberto Del Rio success, but different writers- with a different vision- could at least have a chance to reinvent themselves.
A viable alternative could also prevent wrestlers from the need to go to Japan to get themselves a following, like a Kenny Omega.
Then let’s examine NXT:
It has a roster consisting of viable names like Bobby Roode, Samoa Joe, Nakamura, and so on.
Just these slew of names alone combined with names like Kurt Angle and Adam Pearce (from ROH) plus the Hardy brothers could potentially be a roster deep enough to jump start a company to compete with the WWE from a talent standpoint. It’s just lacking a star from the WWE to give it credibility, such as a Randy Orton (whom also has had some misuse over the past few years).
The average professional sport (NFL, NBA or MLB) doesn’t have a true competitor, but what it does have is nearly thirty or more teams for players to bounce from, if they’re feeling misused or paid enough, so why can’t wrestlers have that same luxury.
Competition is a great thing. It forces each other to produce better products for their fans to watch. The WWE desperately needs it, due to it’s stale state, as well as individual wrestlers that are getting lost in the shuffle.
Good vs Evil; Face vs Heel; and fan favorites vs wrestlers that fans love to hate is what wrestling provides every Monday Night on World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) Raw.
But I’m not here to talk about the WWE.
There was a time when the NWA was the king of the wrestling world, which was home to stars like Lou Thesz, Harley Race and Ric Flair.
During that era of wresting, wrestling was broken into several territories. These territories had hand-shake agreements not to wrestle and broadcast in each other’s territories.
Unfortunately, the dawn of the cable television era changed everything. It allowed Vince McMahon Jr. (WWF) and Jim Crockett Jr. (Mid Atlantic/Georgia Championship Wrestling) to build empires in the 80’s. In 1988 Jim Crockett was bought out by Ted Turner, creating WCW; thus putting an end to the NWA as we knew it.
The NWA is still around with small Independent promotions; such as, Vendetta Pro (California/Nevada), Smoky Mountain (eastern Tennessee) and Mid-South (western Tennessee) anchoring the NWA today.
Everything runs in cycles, and the NWA is on a twenty-five year downturn. The question is, will the NWA ever return to it’s former glory; and what will it take to get from where it is currently to back on top of the wrestling world?
Currently, the major problem is bulk of wrestling fans doesn’t know that the NWA is still in existence.
The NWA has an On Demand featuring classic matches from the Paul Boeshe library (Houston territory). It’s an OK revenue generator, but it can always be better, in terms of creating revenue. The content is tremendous; it features matches like Andre the Giant vs Harley Race, and so on.
What the On Demand truly lacks is current content; such as, every major championship should be featured on On Demand within 48 hours of a match. This would accomplish several things: 1: it allows the matches to be reviewed; 2: it allows for fans across the United States to watch these matches; 3: due to writers’ reviews, it allows for fans, that doesn’t know the NWA is still in existence to subscribe to On Demand; 4: it introduces the older fans to the new product and the newer fans to the older product.
Now this doesn’t mean that fans will start pouring in to buy NWA On Demand; however, it’s a start in the right direction.
The NWA needs to have a weekly Podcast promoting it’s current stars and upcoming events. Again, this doesn’t mean that fans will start pouring into events and buying merchandise.
Producing an NWA iPPV could go a long way towards generating revenue needed for getting the necessary equipment for television.
Television is mandatory; however, this is the toughest bridge to cross.
Getting on television will require content, or some sort of plan for syndication.
What I would ultimately do is chop up three to five matches, from across the alliance a week, and put it onto YouTube. Then look for sponsors to help generate revenue.
The other route could potentially be buying a warehouse and making it into a wrestling studio. This way they could fly wrestlers in, and knock out four episodes in a single night and ship the content to networks, or even Netflix.
There always is pride when a local guy makes it to the WWE or NJPW, but wouldn’t be even more special if that local guy from Smoky Mountain or Vendetta Pro headline a NWA event that is seen by millions on Pay Per View.
It may never become the king of wrestling again, but a man can dream, right?
Ever since it was reported that former Vanderbilt coach Kevin Stallings was extended an offer, the Pitt Panther fan base erupted like a Yellowstone supervolcanic eruption, and rightfully so.
In 17 seasons at Vanderbilt, he amassed an overall record of 332-220 with a 138-142 record in a subpar SEC. Plus, in those 17 seasons, he only developed two NBA players.
His best season was the 2011/12 season when Vanderbilt went 25-11 (10-6) winning the SEC regular season title and the conference tournament and only reaching the round of 32.
And it gets worse, his teams only reached the Sweet 16 twice, and regularly got bounced in the first three rounds.
Let’s go a step further, when AD Scott Barnes stated that he was a more fan friendly style of play and a high character guy, Stallings is everything but that. His offensive style is even more bland than Dixon’s, plus he was taped threatening to kill a player during a handshake line.
The vitriol aimed at Barnes and Stallings’ direction is certainly warranted, and it’s not only fans claiming that this is a terrible (potential) hire, local and national media are chiming in.
It’s gotten to the point that Pitt fans would rather see assistant coach, and former player, Brandon Knight get hired (whom Pitt fans wanted no parts of 24 hours ago due to his inexperience).
Perhaps this is only a knee-jerk reaction, but fans are revolting and threatening to not purchase season tickets. Money is the lifeblood of any collegiate program; therefore, hopefully Barnes is listening to the people screaming with pitchforks and having their tar & feathers ready.
The only adjective I can thing of for this situation is “ugly!”
Ugly it is!
Fighting this depression battle isn’t a fun battle. I’ve been prone to isolate myself from the world around me and vicariously live my life on the internet. In a way the internet has kept me sane. There has been a great amount of people in my social network (that has become real life friends) that has helped me along in this process of rebuilding myself.
Being suicidal and wondering how you reached such a low isn’t a fun place to be. The the fight in me has certainly begun; I realized if I’m no longer here, who is going to be there for my grandmother on a daily basis? I can’t lie to the world surrounding me that knows about about my current state, since my last blog I have had those thoughts a few times between now and then.
With that said, the last blog lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders and I ultimately feel like I’m on the right path. I’ve chatted with my Reverend from my childhood church and showed him this blog.
He definitely gave me words of encouragement and such.
The New Year couldn’t have come at a better time for me. It’s definitely a time to put a close to what’s been happening and looking ahead towards my future, and it’s a bright future at that. I’m a year away from earning my degree in Political Science, and I still have aspirations to go law school.
I feel as if I’m on the right path to being back to me again. I have to reach out to my friends when I’m feeling low. I know I have a great circle of friends and an even better family. I realize that the struggle isn’t over, just yet. And I still have a long road in front of me.
“We don’t develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Barbara de Angelis
I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas holiday and has an amazing New Year!
*note: I tried reaching out to the female I mentioned in the last blog. She ignored my texts and such. I believe that it’s a lost cause and I’ve done all that I could do to throw water under that bridge. It’s unfortunate that she’ll forever believe that I’m an asshole.*
