Never Giving Up

Life isn’t easy; for a lack of a better word, life is a bitch.¬†Depression can simply eat you from the inside out.

My journey took me from in the middle of my first semester of my Sr. Year of college to homelessness. There’s nobody to blame for my downward spiral but myself. This journey to rock bottom has also been an incredibly humbling experience as well.

It has taken me across country, where I got to visit some amazing sites; such as, Crater Lake, Mt. Hood, the Rocky Mountains, and deserts. It has also taken me to the psych ward, twice.

Me blaming myself for the journey isn’t exactly beating myself up (which is a symptom of depression), I’m simply taking accountability for my actions. I’ve hurt many people that I hold dearly in my heart, especially my grandmother and uncle. Although they have forgiven me, I may never forgive myself.

The journey also took me into an intensive mental health program, where I acquired the tools to help prevent depression from ever taking a firm grip of my life again; however, if it does return, it’s up to me to use the tools given to me. There’s no guarantee that apply such tools when depression punches me in the face.

My course of action will be signing up for a Peer Support Specialist certification class, sometime this week. This class will take place in August. What it will do is allow me to help others that are battling depression. The number one thing I’ve learned, for me at least, is when I’m helping others, I’m ultimately helping myself, with this battle.

It’s not an easy battle to have. The thoughts of suicide are scary thoughts. I don’t wish suicidal ideations on anybody.

Once I get established in my peer support role, I’ll finish my political science degree. I’m two semesters away. I’m far too close to the finish line to not finish it. It’s just going to take me longer than I anticipated two years ago.

I just need to get my life on track first, AND I WILL!


The Road to Rebuilding Myself

road-to-recoveryFighting this depression battle isn’t ¬†a fun battle. I’ve been prone to isolate myself from the world around me and vicariously live my life on the internet. In a way the internet has kept me sane. There has been a great amount of people in my social network (that has become real life friends) that has helped me along in this process of rebuilding myself.

Being suicidal and wondering how you reached such a low isn’t a fun place to be. The the fight in me has certainly begun; I realized if I’m no longer here, who is going to be there for my grandmother on a daily basis? I can’t lie to the world surrounding me that knows about about my current state, since my last blog I have had those thoughts a few times between now and then.

With that said, the last blog lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders and I ultimately feel like I’m on the right path. I’ve chatted with my Reverend from my childhood church and showed him this blog.

He definitely gave me words of encouragement and such.

The New Year couldn’t have come at a better time for me. It’s definitely a time to put a close to what’s been happening and looking ahead towards my future, and it’s a bright future at that. I’m a year away from earning my degree in Political Science, and I still have aspirations to go law school.

I feel as if I’m on the right path to being back to me again. I have to reach out to my friends when I’m feeling low. I know I have a great circle of friends and an even better family. I realize that the struggle isn’t over, just yet. And I still have a long road in front of me.

“We don’t develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Barbara de Angelis

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas holiday and has an amazing New Year!

*note: I tried reaching out to the female I mentioned in the last blog. She ignored my texts and such. I believe that it’s a lost cause and I’ve done all that I could do to throw water under that bridge. It’s unfortunate that she’ll forever believe that I’m an asshole.*